I am a great dancer (in my own mind).
I have a good sense of humor. Me be am good English major, okay? 25 years old. What's with you kids today and your rock and roll music and skateboards?

Superpowers you gain from diabetes:
*A strong sense of smell
*Can lift really heavy things when people aren't looking
*Can fly (only about 5 feet off the ground)
*Make things turn green just by looking at them ( that's enough to get you kicked out of any Applebee's in America)
*Cross the street without looking both ways.


This is my 500th post!

Thank you to all my followers. You have been great. Amazing people find me interesting enough to follow. For my gratitude here is a picture of a funny gorilla:


MSTIES by FutureDami (Part 1 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting  game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000

El Roboto Humano (Ep. 102 - The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy; 1959)

"In the field of robotics, it really doesn’t get any more specialized than this model.

"This cyborg was built specifically to handle Aztec mummies. It tested against a wide range of other mummies, faring marginally well against Sumerian, Toltec, and Tibetan, mummies, but is not recommended for use on Egyptian mummies.

"El roboto is surprisingly flexible and quick. I’m just playin’. It is slow as frozen dirt. Mind the clamps though, as they deliver quite a powerful shock."

Valeria (Ep. 110 - Robot Holocaust; 1986)

"Pleasurebot Valeria was created by the Dark One to act as security for the Power Station. She is imbued with the rare "Dark Lightning" and can channel unstable energy.

"A tactical genius, she is adept at laying complex traps and likes to toy with her victims in ‘The Room of Questions’ which is not to be confused with Tommy Wiseau’s room.

"It is clear she is a dangerous opponent. What is unclear is why she is dressed in such a manner, and why she was programmed with a German lisp."

Rex Dart (Ep. 212 - Godzilla vs. Megalon; 1973)

"Asian mega-stud Rokuro (aka Rex Dart) is arguably the most dangerous man in the galaxy. His only rival is Wolf Raider Ken, and his only weakness is anmistsu sweet bean buns.

"He hits hard. He moves fast. His hair smells great.

"Rex has a very fluid combo chaining system, which is difficult to master for beginners."

Zor (Ep. 301 - Cave Dwellers; 1984)

"God of Wuss.

"Warlord Zor is a cave dweller. A cursory inspection might make one dubious to this claim, as he seems to dwell in a heavily fortified castle, but perhaps it was built atop some caves making him by proxy a cave-dweller.

"Zoning concerns aside, Zor is a melee finesse fighter, using acrobatic flips, chops, prances, slaps, slapchops, flipslaps and pirouettes to dazzle his starstruck foes.

"Voted most deadly swordsman in the West Hollywood Community Theater, Zor can dual wield weapons to great effect. Much like Vega’s claw, his powerful mustache can be knocked free from his face, halving his power."

Trumpy (Ep. 303 - The Pod People; 1983)


Ken, Fugitive Alien (Ep. 310 - Fugitive Alien; 1986)

"Ken…has issues. Anger issues.

"He killed his best friend. Then he killed his girlfriend. Then he killed his boss. He usually greets people with a sock to the jaw.

"Ex-Star Wolf Ken doesn’t waste words when a punch will do. Not a finefighter, he relies on his crushing cosmic power, hurling himself wildly into opponents. Infact many of his special moves, such as "the forklifter," inflict damage to himself in the process.

"He is a character for those who enjoy risk and high stakes. Ken may hurt himself, but he will hurt you more. He ruins everything he touches."

Master Ninja (Ep. 322 - Master Ninja I; 1984)

Normally I put in stats and cute comments here, but you know I am just not gonna do it this time.

"Why? Well there are a few reasons. Its pretty damn evident what a ninja does and how a ninja fights. This one just does it at 1/5th the speed of a standard ninja.

"The other reason is, I kinda hated these episodes and wished the focus was more on the hamster.

"Lee, however, is fun to draw. He has a great face for this sort of thing."

Mr. B Natural (Ep. 319’s Short - Mr. B Natural)

Stay away from his(?) powerful hind legs! 

"Mr.B is a formidable aerial attacker, raining down twirling glittering death from above. Alacrity aside, Mr.B has a scanty HP pool, but can evade grappling moves with piercing shrieks and cackles causing momentary -wtf- status.

"The key to playing Mr.B well is always staying on the move and in the air. Too much downtime will send him into a spiralling pill-popping depression."

Moon the Beatnik (Ep. 415 - The Beatniks; 1960)

Moon, the “Beatnik” is a drunken-style master of vandalism. He is a weapon specialist, and although he begins combat empty handed, Moon can pick up any object on the field and wield it with deadly force. He gets a higher bonus for found-object weapons than any other fighter. 

"The trouble with Moon is also an advantage if played well; he is completely shitfaced drunk and psychotic. The gameplay effect of this is a random cycle of special moves. Moon is never really going to what you expect him to do. His moves are fast and powerful, but 100% unpredictable.

"Moon will occasionally cast ‘tantrum’ and not only will he drop whatever he is carrying (which is bad) but also flail around and strike the ground repeatedly (which can be good). The way to use this to your advantage is to stay glued to your opponent. If it is a large target like William Conrad Moon does well to ride around on his giant back.”

Hestia the Fire Maiden (Ep. 416 - Fire Maidens of Outer Space; 1956)

Hestia, queen of New Atlantis is, quite obviously, a water elemental.

"Her searing attacks are fueled a fusion of two special resources: innuendo and boredom. When her sensual apathy reaches critical indifference, Hestia unleashes a pyroblast that can take down most anything. 

"The charge time on her incendiary spells pad out the game well, but like monopoly, most players lose interest and wander off before it is complete.”


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 2 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Megaweapon (Ep. 501 - Warrior of the Lost World; 1983)

Megaweapon is to vehicles as Rowsdower is to men.

"The sentient dumptruck of future fascists -OMEGA- is not to be taken lightly. Nothing about Megaweapon is light; It takes a 40 megaton attack to its undercarriage to K.O. it.

"Frontal attacks will reflect damage, and leave an opponent open to its deadly extreme short range flamethrower.

"The trick to defeating this monstrous machine is simply to casually walk around it, as it cannot turn and has been outpaced by a child on a bigwheel.”

Molly Mokembe (Ep. 604 - Zombie Nightmare; 1986)

Canadian Voudoun master Molly Mokembe is feared around the entire province of Ontario. She is slow to attack, and nearly impossible to understand, but her vengeance is insatiable and knows know bounds.

"Her passive ability: pincushion is one of the most deadly, as it reflects damage back on anyone who harms her. Quick attackers like Diabolik and Mr.B will often close in fast for a quick kill only to find they have beaten themselves to death.

"Molly is a summoner, doing no physical damage herself, but raising hordes of undead softball players to exact her wrath. Mastering her complicated moveset requires intense study and she is not recommended for beginners."

The Creeping Terror (Ep. 606 - The Creeping Terror; 1964)

Mobile automated dissection laboratories never really caught on as a concept. Now, I am not saying they don’t have their uses, but a giant slow moving slug-like tarps that vacuum humans in a linear swathe of destruction are more suited to recreational purposes, not scientific ones.

"The creeping terror, not to be confused with -the creeper- or that episode of M.A.S.K. with the bigass caterpillar, is a novelty character, akin to Dan Hibiki, Lou Bega, or a Tonberry.

"It moves very… very… slowly, has no special moves, and no dialogue. However, if it does manage to touch you, even once, you will die a slow agonizing death. Instantly. But not really that instantly."

Javorsky, the Beast (Ep. 621 - The Beast of Yucca Flats; 1961)

Noted Soviet Scientist and Ogre, Joseph Javorsky, defected to America and was subsequently caught in an atomic explosion like many emigrants.

"Javorsky plays exactly like you would suspect: using his great bulk to his advantage in combat. He cannot run very fast, but has some ranged capabilities as he can hurl nearly any object for substantial damage.

"His limit break: ‘Flag on the Moon’ will grab the opponent and send them hurling through the atmosphere to smash into the moon, and back down to earth again. The fall damage alone is 9999 damage."

El Santo (Ep. 624 - Samson vs. the Vampire Women; 1961)

El santo, o el hombre de plata de la máscara, es luchador mexicano con gran potencia y un sentido fuerte de la justicia.

“‘Sampson’ tiene machacamiento de energía en sus brazos gigantes, y se adapta particularmente a los undead sensacionales y a los enemigos demoníacos. 

"Salta, los tirones, y atacando movimientos sea su especialidad, sin embargo si se quita su máscara él fallecerá."

Steve the Blood Beast (Ep. 701 - Night of the Blood Beast; 1958)

I realized, just as I was FINISHING this… that there is an actual blood beast in the film. He appears for about 30 seconds and is immediately shot, so I guess that’s why I forgot all about it. Maybe they only rented the costume for an hour and had to get it back to bargain-clown by 5pm.

"Steve the Blood Beast is an unusual character, appearing somewhat normal albeit pale, blotchy, and shirtless. The horrible secret is, Steve is nothing but a bag of blood. Not good wholesome USDA American blood. Oh no. ALIEN BLOOD, yeah, like… the worst kind.

"This gives Steve the ability to stretch his limbs as he splits apart. He will break like water balloon when taking heavy damage, but this also gives him an edge in combat, as he can reassemble behind or above the unsuspecting assailant.”

Billy (Ep. 706 - Laserblast;1978)

I kind of like this character “Billy” from the hit film Laserblast

"The problem I have with him is more the premise of the story, assuming it has one. A revenge fantasy works well if the character is really downtrodden and mistreated. We as the audience are right there with him and cheering as he metes out justice and all that crap. 

"Only… Billy doesn’t have anything to avenge at all. He has a van, a girlfriend who was probably considered hot in the 70s, and the house all to himself as his wealthy mom goes on extended business trips.

"So I think the laser/aliens thing was just as excuse for sociopath Billy to have a violent tantrum. This would have happened eventually anyway."

Gillman (Ep. 801 - Revenge of the Creature; 1955)

Bob “Gillman” Creature is a sahagin which hails from the upper amazon tributary.

"Gillman is a good character for beginners; a very straightforward physical fighter with balanced stats and no pants to weigh him down.

"Oddly enough he is irresistible to women, and female opponents will find it difficult to attack him. They find him… curiously attractive for a fishman. That lean sinewy body writhing and shimmering with beads of water, undulating like the tides…. Like so many…

"Er anyway…"

Livia the Witch (Ep. 806 - The Undead; 1956)

It only rhymes with witch.

"Livia is your standard shapeshifting bride of Satan. She can transform into nearly any object, but is cursed with the inability to choose which object she will become.

"As a result, her dark magic is as dangerous as it is useful, and most of her damage dealing capabilities come from her imp, who mounts and dry humps opponents to submission.

"Nobody really chooses Livia."

Nastinka (Ep. 813 - Jack Frost; 1966)

Knowing his time was nearly at an end, the jovial Jack Frost abdicated his frozen throne and dominion over ice to pert young Nastinka.

"She was, after all, the only person ever to recover from the bone chilling effect of his magic scepter. This weapon was subsequently reclassified: “Will freeze to death anything it touches save for a few rare exceptions when true love and plot convenience is involved. Use as directed.”

"Nastinka does not have a large health pool, and will shatter with a few punches. Good luck ever getting close enough to her, though. She will call down ferocious aoe snowstorms slowing opponents, and will slick the ground wherever she walks for several seconds causing enemies to slip and fall in a comedic manner. 

"She will smile in a pleasant innocent manner while you are entombed in a bitter cold casket, and wait patiently while all the blood in your veins turns to ice. Do not mess with Nastinka."


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 4 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The Tracker (Ep. 1004 - Future War; 1997)

Noooo Z’don’t!

"Cyborg master Z’dar is pretty much your standard meat-shield Zangief type of combatant, moving at the pace of a Michener novel and hitting like a truck filled with lots of little trucks.

"His dinosaur familiar seems like it would give him an advantage in battle, however its inoperable limbs and inability to walk makes it more of an ornament than anything."

Johnny Longbow (Ep. 1007 - Track of the Moon Beast; 1976)

Nomadic anthropologist John ‘Johnny Longbow’ Selinas roams the arid wastes of New Mexico searching for artifacts and nubile grad school coeds.

"An accomplished archer, Johnny is a ranged powerhouse, able to fire many lunar meteorite arrowheads to target specific weaknesses. His ‘Sandia Crest’ steady-shot is among the most devastating, however he must remain planted in place for a long time which puts him at risk.

"Johnny can also restore his team’s health with a healthy Navajo stew which buffs the party."

Sheriff Geronimo (Ep. 1008 - Final Justice; 1984)

Texas “lawman” Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, the least quick gun in the west. 

"Something of a glass-cannon character, only the glass is filled with milk, and is half empty. "hair-onimo" is a ranged combatant with an array of ricochet shots and bullet time tricks to compensate for his immobility.

"Though he is slow, when an opponent punches his vast doughy midriff, there is a chance on hit for him to -go head’on- sending him soaring backward like a Maltese parade float, and giving the player some much needed space to fire off a quick round."

Diabolik (Ep. 1013 - Diabolik; 1968)

The pro/antagonist of the aptly titled film: Diabolik

"Diabolik is pure Italian greased lightning. An agility attacker with forward momentum akin to Vega. And much like Italy in WW2, he fights for evil and shatters at the first sign of resistance.

"He has a few ranged knife-toss moves mainly used to stun or distract opponents, and can pilfer a target, robbing it of it’s highest stat for a short time.

"His ubercharge concussion wave ‘Deep Deep Down’ is devastating, but as it is a spinning throw he must get very close to the target which is risky for his spindly little body.

"He originally had suction cups on his elbows and knees and then I remembered two things: In the film when he was wearing them he was also wearing a gray rubber body-condom, and I just didn’t feel like drawing them."

Batwoman (Ep. 515 - The Wild Wild World of Batwoman; 1966)

Hippy Vampire Batwoman, who is neither a hippy, nor a vampire, but very much a woman is the female equivalent of The Pumaman. She shares many of his powers and sex appeal, in that they do not have any.

"Batwoman has an overdrive mode when para-countering an aerial dive reflux that will enable her to summon forth mole people to swarm the opponent. Like Pumaman, she is best played in the air diagonally bombing targets and playing keep away with ring-shaped dog toys.”

Black Scorpion (Ep. 113 - The Black Scorpion; 1957)

As overgrown bucktoothed arachnids-of-color go, “BS” is pretty sharp. Top in his physics class at Guadalajara U, Scorpion was also captain of the curling team and frequent volunteer at the Jalisco Habitat for Humanity.

Actually, its just a giant stupid bug with googly eyes. It only has three moves: pinch, poke, and improved-poke. It has a crapload of physical defense, but is weak against magic damage, making it a quick kill for Hestia, Merlin, and other casters.”

Captain Kemp (Ep. 111 - Moon Zero Two; 1969)

Captain Kemp was the first pilot to successfully land on Mars. After meeting with ambassador Droppo, he swiftly did a 180 and gave up exploration in lieu of a lucrative scrap hauling service on the Moon. He pays 30 starbucks for a shot of scotch, and its worth every space cent. The man is a consummate drinker.

"His real strength is his unique form of zero-g fisticuffs.

"Kemp is the arch rival of David Ryder, and is his polar opposite in many respects. Where as Ryder is ponderous but tough, Kemp is agile but frail. Ryder is a ranged character, but Kemp excels in close quarters hand-to-hand combat.

"Using his moon-unit, Kemp is unburdened by gravity, and can soar about the entire battlefield, swooping down on his foes like a heavy-drinking asteroid. He can also affect the gravitational field of a nearby target, hurling them around like a ragdoll.

"Kemp’s forehead challenged Nick Miller’s chin to a fight, but no arena was large enough to hold them both.

"Round Start: *Downs his scotch in one gulp, tosses glass "Perhaps you never should have come."

"On Victory: "That’s one small step for… me. Heh."

"On Defeat: "It’d be a bit… silly for Bill Kemp to… die… anyplace…" 

"Combat Theme here

Crawling Eye (Ep. 101 - The Crawling Eye; 1958)

Also known as “The Trollenberg Terror” or “Eye-rene R-eye-an” to friends The crawling eye is a mountain dwelling species of monster surrounding the Swiss alps.

"The eye uses mist and frost based abilities to debuff her opponents and harass them at range. Close quarters combat, as well as heat/fire based damage are a problem, though she can sunder the mountainside with reverberating quake attacks that stunlock."

Crenshaw (Ep. 1006 - Boggy Creek II: And The Legend Continues; 1985)

Deep in the river bottoms of Arkansas lives a hairy beast like creature known to terrorize the mire with insane hog-calls. There is also an ape-man thing, but the real Boggy Creek creature is apparently this fellow, old man Crenshaw.

"Having buried his truck in ‘46 Crenshaw has been stranded in the murky backcountry for decades and hes reverted to a primal state to survive. He still has access to some of the higher mammal’s tools such as flint, tinder, an n-gage, chaw, an ipod nano, and a pelet-rifle. 

"A proud father, Crenshaw enters battle with his brave son, who ended up with it’s mothers features. The lil’ creature rushes foes while Crenshaw takes targets down at range with either his rifle or by hurling fiery jerry cans."

Derek (Ep. 404 - Teenagers from Outer Space; 1959)

25 year old teenage Spaceman Derek comes from… space. Nobody is really sure, least of all Derek who is pretty spaced out. The one thing he IS sure of, is how to fire a focusing disintregrator ray: the deadly gargon-gun!

"Master of the twin gargon glock style, Derek is a slippery, evasive fighter capable of locking down his enemy and blasting them with radiation. The inner pockets of his space jumpsuit hold an arsenal of holograms which can create doubles of Derek, serving to confuse his enemies."


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 5 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Dr. Kolos (Ep. 420 - The Human Duplicators; 1965)

Galaxy Being KOLOS has come to earth as a middle manager of the Human Duplicator project, and oversees most of the scheduling, staffing, and janitorial services of the evil global coup.

"Dr. Kolos, who may not be an actual Doctor, is difficult to defeat in combat. He does not have particularly power moves, nor is he agile. What makes Kolos challenging is the sheer number of him you end up fighting. Every thirty seconds Kolos remains in combat, a new Kolos is produced and slowly begins marching toward his opponent. Any enemy of Kolos will quickly be engulfed by a Chinese terracotta army of Richard Kiels.

"Each duplicate Kolos has a large amount of health, and the longer the fight drags on, the more chance he has to augment his synthetic army."

Dr. Z (Ep. 1005 - Blood Waters of Dr. Z; 1972)

Doc Leopold was always known as a nut. He was that guy who would wander up and down the fish isle at Petsmart till it was time to close. Little did the citizens of Sarasota know that he was planning to conquer world with a fish army. Studying the cliff notes of Sun Tsu, Patton and Napoleon his goal was to rule southern Florida with an iron fin. Like all great generals, he knew the first step is creating an army is to transform yourself into a giant fish.

"With his mutagen fluid ZAAT, he fused himself with the DNA of a walking catfish, which was a lateral move in the looks department. 

"Dr. Z handles a bit differently than "The Creature" and "The Horror" as he is a summoner-type and doesn’t deal damage directly. The key to playing Dr. Z is to stay at range and summon waves of predatory fish to swarm your opponent. The "sargassum haze" spell will slow an opponent allowing Z to call even more destructive aquatic friends to plan revenge with. Though it takes considerable time to charge, his "megalodon crush" is one of the hardest hitting moves in the game."

Droppo (Ep. 321 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians; 1964)

Droppo is lazy. I mean seriously lazy. The guy is such a bum, he can waste other people’s time simply from being in the same room. He is probably the laziest man on Mars. If there was a Martian DMV, he would work there. Part time.

"He is equipped with pulse-phase anti-gravity boots, and a deadly q-ray pistol, but Droppo can hardly be assed to use them. 

"What, do you ask, is his advantage in combat? This: You can’t beat a guy who doesn’t give a crap. There is at this date, no known way to defeat Droppo."

Ebirah (Ep. 213 - Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster; 1966)

As kaiju go, Ebirah the monster shrimp is pretty pathetic. However in hand to claw combat with humans Ebirah does alright for himself. His specialty is rolling attacks, spinning at high speed and smashing into the target. Though he has a weakness to drawn butter and white wine vinaigrette, his physical defense is above average.

"Having much higher mobility than The Black Scorpion and even Gamera, Ebirah can also hurl boulders which stun at range. His X-Scissor Punch claw strike can also puncture an opponents and bypass armor plating and the thick leathery hide of beasts like John Caradine."

Eegah (Ep. 506 - Eegah; 1962)

Dashing, suave cave-gentleman Eegah A. Smith is a well balanced character with solid physical stats. 

"No mere lunk-headed cromagnon, Eegah has shamanic powers and can commune with the creepy mummified heads of his ancestors. These spells, while not causing direct damage, freak the hell out of your opponents and probably smell weird.

"His overdrive plunge charge, ‘Shtemlooooo!!!’ is a massive overhand club strike which can down a mammoth in one strike. Eegah does have a weakness to shaving cream, perfume, and female targets, because he is just a swell fella who can’t harm a lady."

Fingal (Ep. 822 - Overdrawn at the Memory Bank; 1983)

Aram Fingal was the name of a brilliant data processor at Novacorp. That changed the day he scrolled up cinemas, and unraveled the secrets of the cosmos with the use of an Amiga and the imagination.

"Now a mere flow of electrons, Fingal has power that makes God’s tremble. Interfacing allows him to wield absolute power of the programming running the game engine, literally tearing code out of the machine like strips of sinew from a freshly killed gazelle.

"With his identi-cube, Fingal can dopple the opponent, turning them momentarily into repulsive anteaters. Fingal’s technomancy comes at a price however, after unleashing a flurry of interface abilities, he must pause to to work out the access code, giving opponents a brief moment to strike before he again unleashes digital dominance."

Gamera (Ep. 302 - Gamera; 1965)

What can I write about Gamera that has not been written a hundred times. 

"This kaiju comes equipped with an impenetrable shell, combustible breath, and a penchant for smashing anything in it’s wake. Gamera doesn’t know many monster’s his age and hangs around kids a lot, which would be weird if he wasn’t a gigantic turtle. When you are a gigantic turtle, everything is weird and pretty much all bets are off regarding your behavior.

"His fire breath is probably his most destructive attack, however Gamera’s internal flame sack is a rage-based resource. In other words, the more you whomp on him, the more it pisses him off and the more fuel he has to roast you with. When at max rage, Gamera can unleash ‘Gen-bu Starbust’ which can destroy even Ben Murphy while in stealth.

"Though Gamera has been scaled down to be a fair match for the other combatants, he is still ridiculously overpowered and the cause of much forum ranting. He has a very effective combination of defense, mobility, and his combustion breath weapon. Expect Gamera to be nerfed; he is banned in many tournaments."

Gaos (Ep. 308 - Gamera vs. Gaos; 1967)

Atomic pterosaur “Gaos” is one of the stronger Kaiju to make an appearance in the beatdown. While awkward on land, with a movement speed that hardly outpaces Torgo, Gaos shines both literally and figuratively when he takes to the sky. A linear attacker, Gaos has a ton of forward momentum, using the shining laser projectile and rushing targets with his anvil-like head. 

"He has an elemental resistance to fire and darkness, using his steaming armpits to quell any heat based damage sent his way. On the other hand Gaos straightforward nature can also be his Achilles heel, as he is easily disoriented and will enter "dizzy" status after only 180 turns. Any unit that can back attack will make quick work of the mighty bat-thing."

Giant Leech (Ep. 406 - Attack of the Giant Leeches; 1959)

What we have here is a blood slurping worm of the giant variety. It’s personality, wit, and dashing je ne sais quoi are lost on a human, but one thing is apparent; this leech loves it’s work. That work consists mainly of cocooning and slowly devouring hillbillies, rednecks and creekers. Leech likes it’s meals southern fried.

"The leech is a champion debuffer, with a very low movement speed, and stupendously high health and stamina. It’s obvious specialty is drains, and to that end it drinks even more health per bite than the horror of party beach. What sets these two creatures apart is the reflect damage Leech has. Though it has limited mobility, the leech can regurgitate a coat of reflective slime that sends projectiles and magic attacks back at the sender.

"Getting close to the Leech is dangerous, and playing keep away at range forces the opponent into a stalemate that can prove fatal"

Gideon (Ep. 805 - The Thing That Couldn’t Die; 1958)

The marginally reanimated remains of Gideon Drew had lain buried for centuries until a California ranch owner’s spooky jailbait daughter unearthed the traysure chest containing his head.

"Gideon was known in life to be the most vile man who ever lived, by a group of leprechaunquistodor pilgrims who really had a limited frame of reference. He -is- pretty vile, though mostly in the olfactory arena which is the basis for his fighting style.

"A master of poisons and curses, Gideon has very low speed and hitting power, but offsets this with virulent venom. Projectile vomit, Noxious clouds, and maggot swarms keep his enemies at bay, and the good old fashion "Throw your head at enemies". Gideon’s gnashing teeth slow a target’s movement speed keeping them away from his weak spot: his tender tummy."


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 6 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Glen Manning (Ep. 309 - The Amazing Colossal Man; 1957)

Colossal, amazing, col. Glen Manning is pretty much your average radiation induced 50 foot tall mutant.

"The combat advantage of being 3 stories tall is pretty obvious, and although Glen doesn’t have a lot of special moves, he does pretty well with basic punches and kicks. 

"Manning does have a weak point; his broken heart. With every attack, Glen has a 30% chance to hemorrhage and keel over. This brief moment of hacking and sputtering is the only opportunity an enemy has to strike at his vast pink abdomen."

Gorgo (Ep. 909 -Gorgo; 1960)

Gorgo is the European pallet-swap of a more famous giant sea-going reptile who’s name starts with a G and shall not be named. An underprivileged monster from the seas off the coast of Ireland, Gorgo’s species (of which there are approximately two) never developed interesting powers such as atomic breath weapons, nose-shurikens, or even rainbow beams.

"Gorgo was trained by the turtle Gamera in a kaiju-mentoring summer school program, but only mastered the ability to fall down after Gamera attempted to teach it the high speed sonic spin. As such, Gorgo is fairly low in the ranking of beatdown fighters, and used as a handicap to test a player’s mettle. He is slower than average, but does decent damage with basic melee biting and stomping attacks."

Guiron and Florbella (Ep. 312 - Gamera vs. Guiron; 1969)

Hailing from the star Terra, Cannibal Spacebabe Florbella was one of two survivors of a calaaaaamity~ which claimed the lives of… well everyone but two chicks and their dog. Florbella shot the other girl, because she is raw like that.

"Florbella, whose name is actually a reference to Tortoise Brand Pot Scrubbing Cleaner, a popular dish detergent on Terra, is not much of a fighter on her own. Her real power is the ability to ride and control Guiron the watch-dog. The Terrans, as you can see, have a real loose concept of "dog" and a real loose dress code.

"This pair fights in Tandem, cleaving enemies with Guiron’s razor sharp… nose. Most of their moves are melee, and Florbella can whip Guiron midair to send him down like a lawn-dart, closing the distance fast. Guiron can also reflect projectiles with the flat oh his blade, making him a tough opponent for characters like Billy and Johnny Longbow that are primarily ranged."

Gunslinger (Ep. 511 - Gunslinger; 1956)

Marshal Rose is an unlockable bonus character for completing story mode with Sheriff Geronimo without feeding him. This, as you can imagine, is a challenge, but the reward is well worth it if you fancy a ranged fighter.

"She shares the same move pool with Geronimo, but looks a lot better in tight pants and can strafe and sidestep without wheezing."

Hamlet (Ep. 1009 - Hamlet; 1961)

"When the blood burns, how prodigal the soul
Lends the tongue vows.”

"Young Hamlet is the tragic Prince of Denmark and the self proclaimed avenger of foul deeds. Though scrawny, he leaps headlong into the fray and lashes out as violently as a tempest. Assisted by his spectral familiar Yorick, Hammy is both nimble and cunning, feigning insanity and occasionally succumbing to it to heighten his battle prowess.

"The Prince has a very unusual revenge-based play style. Each direct hit Hamlet takes increases the damage of his next counterstrike. Combine this with his high stamina, his ability to hurl piercing soliloquies, and truant disposition, you have a fighter to be reckoned with."

Ilya (Ep. 617 - The Sword and the Dragon; 1956)

Legendary hero Ilya Muromets is the stalwart champion of Slavic salvation. wielder of the mighty sword of Invincor, Ilya battled his paralysis and took up arms against rampaging Tugar who invaded Kiev.

"A paladin in the classic sense, Ilya is a defensive melee combatant with a ludicrous armor rating. He is slow to anger, but in the hands of a patient player Ilya seldom falls in combat. To compensate for his lack of ranged abilities, Ilya can summon falcons to dive bomb the target, and call upon the wind demon sneak up behind targets and blast them into range."

It (Ep. 311 - It Conquered the World; 1956)

'It' is a Venusian emissary sent to earth to control mankind and conquer the world. Venusians, picked last for cosmic kickball, are nearly immobile and have developed psychic defenses in lieu of physical ones.

"Learning that man is a feeling creature, It has entrenched… itself… in a cave in which to develop diabolical plans of mental conquest from manipulating the “love-gland” in humans. Though slow, it can awkwardly flail its inarticulate claws around for 360 degrees of damage. It can also spit out suction-bats that affix to an opponent and scramble their controls. 

"It has a series of mind warp projectiles that cause psi-damage making It surprisingly dangerous as most of the Beatdown fighters have low metal defense.”

J.C. (Ep. 202 - The Sidehackers; 1969)

Megalomaniacal itinerant motorcycle entertainer, J.C. is one of the more odious creeps to join the Beatdown. Despite his effeminate flouncy movements, J.C. is actually quite strong and has high stats for brawling. He is specialist in choking and holds, specifically choking unarmed women. He also has a few ranged pistol shots, but they tend to backfire on his own teammates whom he treats with contempt and frequent verbal abuse.

"Regarding team picks, J.C. works quite well with Moon for tag battles, as both are unstable alcoholics with unpredictable movesets and an ability to shrug off pain. J.C’s filibuster parfait finisher “That’s #5” is a five hit combo known to have even hit Big Jake.

"No one is quite sure what the initials in his name truly stand for, but most people assume the J stands for ‘Jerkoff’."

Neeya the Humanoid Woman (Ep. K11 - Humanoid Woman; 1981)

Neeya is the anti-Diabolik. Just a pretty. Just as fast. Just as evasive. Just as fragile. She can manipulate the air around her (which doesn’t really do anything) and hurl objects with telekinesis (which does). Neeya doesn’t hit very hard, but she can dance around large targets like Joe Don Baker and Tor Johnson with nimble strikes.

"When critical, Neeya can unleash her "biomass photon burst", which will double her speed and power, and give her 30 seconds to explode. 

"Colder than the mini-fridge on the Mir, she is unemotional and taciturn. Some believe this is because she is a genetic experiment lost in the existential vacuum of space. Others believe this is because she is Russian. Even when winning a fight, she just stands there looking confused and mournful.”

Krasker (Ep. 603 - The Dead Talk Back; 1957)

Dr. Henry Krasker is the default leading specialist on meta-physics. He has achieved the unthinkable by hot-gluing stuff found in his garage: a radio that can talk to the dead. His meddling in the underworld has infused him with the psychic electrical current known as “foxglow”.

"Krasker is a levitation and "telekeenis" mage-style fighter, bound neither by gravity nor social mores. Frail in hand to hand combat, Henry forms a shield of foxglow infused foil balls. Stepping too close to him will lacerate and or electrocute an opponent, forcing them into a ranged firefight.

"Krasker is a great tag match with Dr. Davis as they control the field, repel women, and seek lucrative grants at the same time. Krasker is probably the stronger of the two. Oh its true."


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 7 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Leonardo DaVinci (Ep. 913 - Quest of the Delta Knights;1993)

Born in the small Tuscan village of Vinchi, Leonardo was a wandering charlatan who did a lot of loitering in bars. A secret agent for the order of the Delta Knights, Leo whiled away his hours doodling proto-webcomics and striking out with serving wenches.

"Obsessed with pre-renaissance renaissance man Archimedes, Leonardo was a hack who stole all his ideas. Skulking into Archimedes’ lost storehouse he pilfered discoveries in anatomy, civil engineering, optics, and hydrodynamics, claiming to have developed them himself. Though most of the artifacts in the storehouse were annihilated, Leo managed to slip out with one mystical object: the korgon quill.

"Fueled by the fabric of space (?) This magic pen allows Leo to plagiarize anything, including the special moves of his opponents. Leo has no attacks of his own, but with continued exposure to his enemies techniques he can unleash their own fury back upon them."

Merlin (Ep. 1003 - Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders; 1995)

Mystical venture capitalist, Merlin has time transported himself and his voluptuous wife to the 20th century to rekindle belief in magic via a Burbank curio store. 

"You may ask yourself, "if Merlin has such power, why couldn’t he work in his own timespan to make sure belief in magic did not die in the first place?" I mean, all he would need to do is roast a few people publicly with a demonstrative fireball; word-of-mouth between midieval peasants was pretty reliable.

"Merlin plays a lot differently than other fighters; his catalog of destructive magics take time to recall and cast. He is a sage equipped with the elemental magics of many other powerful mage-type characters: having access to Hestia’s fire, Nastinka’s frost, Valeria’s thunder and Joe Don Baker’s stench-based spells.

"The downside of all this power is his amazingly small health pool and senility which makes timing your spells and placing defensive wards a must."

Michele (Ep. 1002 - Girl in Gold Boots; 1968)

In the late 1960s there was a terrible shortage of dancers in Los Angeles. Michele, daughter of a nomadic desert fry-cook, wandered westward to fulfill her dream of snorting coke and flailing around in a sleazy nightclub. Someone had to do SOMETHING, or dance would forever die. It may as well have been Michele.

"This young woman is the custodian of the legendary gold boots, which transform her to the mystical gold-elemental. An acrobatic fighter, she also can scatter gold dust on her opponents with her random autistic dance moves. This golden shower debuff will encrust the target gradually petrifying them.

"She has what pro gamers call the AAA playstyle; an odd balance of alacrity, attrition, and alcoholism."

Mighty Jack (Ep. 314 - Mighty Jack; 1968)

Japanese Justice force MIGHTY JACK mobilizes this submersible jet/submarine/mech when battling the forces of evil. Piloted by Harold Atari (with a single button joystick) MIGHTY JACK is a versatile sweeper with surprising defensive capability.

"Utilizing the secret weapon schematics of their enemy "Q" the MIGHTY JACK team has outfitted their ship with a deadly new weapon: "hot ice". While it’s original use was a topical rubefacient heat rub meant for relieving pains such as arthritis, backache, muscle strains, sprains, and cramps, it can also freeze an opponent solid.

"The antithesis to the Starfighter, this mech is more sturdy but lacks the explosive power of it’s rival, in favor of more mobility and defense."

Mikey (Ep. 514 - Teen-Age Strangler; 1964)

Mikey is not a combatant in the true sense. He is more of a punching bag or speed bump. He is equipped with neither fight nor flight reflexes, and will simply duck and cover while opponents wail on him.

"Mikey is the target of a bonus round in which all players are racing to deal the most damage to him in 60 seconds. He will flap his arms and sniffle but Mikey will not fight back, and offers players a chance to practice their combat techniques or revel in the simple joy of pounding the snot out a goofy awkward looking middle schooler.

"It is rumored that Mikey is a secret unlockable character as an achievement for losing 255 matches in a row. This version of Mikey, however, is Super Saiyan III and has maximum stats."

Mutant of Metaluna (The Movie - This Island Earth; 1955)

Centuries of meticulous bioengineering and the result is…

"A bit underwhelming.

"The Mutants of Metaluna. Often maligned, seldom understood, they are a hive-mind collective designed for manual labor. Why a species designed for labor would lack opposable thumbs is questionable, but the undeniable fact is their amazing regenerative cell structure.

"Mutant is an attrition combatant; it has a unique ability among fighters. Passive healing. The accelerated cell growth means the creature is always gaining health. If you punch it repeatedly, it has already recovered from the first hit while you are delivering the third. To complement this, it uses its formidable claws to pin and restrain foes, making them fight at it’s lumbering pace.

"The only way to defeat the Mutant is heavy concentrated burst damage, so hard hitters like Rowsdower and Javorsky are a better match than others."

Neptune Man (Ep. 819 - Invasion of the Neptune Men; 1961)

The mute, bumbling invasion from Neptune was manned by one of these fellows. It is impossible to tell one Neptunian apart from any other, and that is not a racial slur; they can’t do it themselves. You would think a collective superconsciousness would afford them a tactical insight unbeknownst to lesser races. You would think their technology would send the innermost worlds into a trembling fear. You would be wrong. That is because of their need for two nutrients.

"Two words. Rojium. Pantium. A Neptunian must constantly balance it’s levels of these two substances to maintain an equilibrium. The Roji-Panty complex, like maintaining the PH balance in a saltwater aquarium, is well… complex. In gameplay terms this equates to rotating attacks that leech or expel the various vapors. So far nobody has figured out how to play one. Four beta testers have been reduced to gibbering vegetables by even attempting to master the Neptunian move set."

Nick Miller (Ep. 821 - Time Chasers; 1994)

Due to his reckless tampering in time travel, chronomancer and esteemed community college instructor Nick Miller has fallen into a tangent.

"Nick can no longer exist in the present tense. No matter how much he fiddles with the commodore 64 on his piper Cherokee, he is always a nanosecond before or after the “now”

"This makes Nick an amazing tactical fighter; as he can anticipate an opponents moves from reading the immediate future, and shift back into the past to repeat a moment. Unfortunately this also makes Nick almost impossible to control; likened to many as playing Ikaruga blindfolded with your feet.”

Nuveena  (Ep. 524 - 12 to the Moon; 1960)

Nuveena is the woman of the future. That means whatever year it currently is, she is from a little bit after it.

"In the future, organic women will be a lot like organic produce; an overpriced novelty. Most modern men will opt for a synthetic wife, such as this popular model. This spousal-android comes fully loaded with a photon toaster-oven, vacuum, humor-transponder, and mulching attachment. There is a refrigerated beer holder and tackle box built into the small of her back, great for fishing trips.

"The taupe model shown here is the biggest seller, but Nuveena is also available in rich mahogany, sandalwood, mauve, and burnt umber.

"This particular model was the property of one Donald Rumsfeld, and is also equipped with twin M61 Vulcan cannons, a 600kt nuclear warhead, and a few misc. rubber novelty attachments of minimal combat value.”

Pitch (Ep. 521 - Santa Claus; 1959)

Pitch is a part time devil working for Lucifer. After a brief stint lowering the productivity of bread delivery drivers, Pitch settled in to a decent routine of minor harassment. Working odd jobs for eternity in hell has given pitch a wide array or marginally useful skills.

"In combat, Pitch is quite versatile, able to switch the position of his asbestos-tipped trident for various styles of fighting. He has three stances: 

“‘Infernal’ a fire based magical stance where Pitch uses his sulfurous combustion breath.

“‘Impenetrable’ a guarded stance in which Pitch torments his opponents witch cheap ranged stabs and stuns.

“‘Ineffable’ a forbidden hubris-based style that is inherently too overpowered, complex, and abstract to be adequately communicated.”


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 8 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Pumaman (Ep. 903 - The Pumaman; 1980)

Professor Tony Farms could have gone his entire life without knowing he was THE PUMAMAN. Yes, he could sense danger. Sure, he could see in the dark. And he was vaguely aware that his hands were steel claws, after a series of broken nail-clippers and inexplicably ruined sofas.

"But it was only when Tony was hurled out a window by Aztec priest Vidinio that he truly embraced his inner puma, making him technically some sort of 70s proto furry.

"Pumaman is an aerial attacker, using the natural flying abilities of the puma(?) and feline grace to flail around and fall at a 45 degree angle. Most of his attacks involve him losing control of his pitch/yaw, crying and giving up, and simply slamming into his opponent with the force of a discarded dishrag."

Roger (Ep. 1012 - Squirm; 1976)

Fly Creek annelid enthusiast Roger Grimes was the unfortunate victim of his father’s electrical experiments involving worms. As a result, he has become a symbiote vessel for hundreds of predatory worms. 

"Roger’s gameplay is the classic strango-choker mid range combatant. He can also dislodge his body parts temporarily, which is a devious tactic, as only his head takes damage. Thus an opponent can be wailing on what they thought was Roger, only to realize they have been pounding away at a pound of squirming worms.

"Roger suffers at extreme close and long range, as well as a weakness to fire type damage. He can send highly skilled sentry worms to snare the legs of enemies and keep them at range."

Ross (Ep. 315 - Teenage Cave Man; 1958)

Ross Allen, herpetologist and scourge of the Everglades is a formidable character. He is a dangerous sadist who delights in the suffering of others, and prefers to kill slowly using snake venom he has personally extracted with his own fangs.

"Ross begins combat on gatorback which serves as a mount and a meat-shield absorbing damage for it’s cruel captor. Using seminole blow darts he then punctures his opponents with toxic darts or snares them with an array of nets.

"Ross is such a nefarious and unpleasant character that even Manos, J.T. and Pitch refuse to tag battle with him."

Sam Casey (Ep. 814 - Riding with Death; 1976)

Sam Casey, alleged Harvard Law grad and translucent secret agent (?) is a fearsome combatant. Voted the least-visible INTERSECT agent 3 years running, Sam has the ability to completely vanish for a limited amount of time.

"This ability is both a blessing and a curse, as Sam believes he should be seen… constantly. Like a bronze Apollo, the flaxen Sam shimmers like a beacon of mellowness. The wide cuffs of his groovy pant legs sweep the ground of evil with each easy stride. 

"However, NOT being seen allows him to get behind an enemy and use one of his many overpowered garrote finishers. The turkey-plucker in particular is the most deadly, but requires 10 seconds of stealth prep-time, which is dangerously close to the 15 seconds it takes for Sam to succumb to radiation poisoning."

Solarite (Ep. 902 - The Phantom Planet; 1961)

The solarites, or “fire people” as they are often slurred, are a predatory itinerant race which terrorized the galaxy. Evolved from, and composed of igneous molten rock, Solarites prove dangerous opponents because, much like Cynthia Rothrock, their very bodies smolderingly lethal.

"In combat the Solarite is an interesting fusion of defensive harasser and powerful spell caster, which makes it perhaps the perfect combination of good and beautiful. Its greatest attack: the high intensity heatbomb, requires considerable charge time and involves the Solarite igniting it’s own inner flame and grappling and sundering it’s foe. Playing keep away and ranged kiting is the only safe way to fight the Solarite, as melee attacks will scald whomever strikes it."

Starfighter (Ep. 622 - The Starfighters; 1964)

The Lockheed F-104 Starfighter is a single-engine, high-performance, supersonic interceptor aircraft originally developed for the United States Air Force. It was quickly retired as the plane was not only a fault-riddled deathtrap but also a Decepticon.

"Starfighter does most of it’s combat in robot-mode using it’s razor sharp wings to slash at enemies. Like the pilot Bob Dornan, the machine has limited understanding of human language, nuance, and humor and cannot be taunted, goaded, hornswoggled or hoodwinked. 

"The plane’s metal hull is resistant to many types of physical damage, but opponents may opt to simply take a defensive stance and wait for it to lock up and explode like a flying Ford Pinto."

Tab (Ep. 614 - San Francisco International; 1970)

Tab Hunter is the leader a crime group known as “The El Paso Medical Forwardists”. Even they are not sure what the name is supposed to represent or what their grievances are. Though he is a thug by nature, his years undercover as a priest of St. Olaf and his extensive medical training give him a unique array of combat medic skills.

"Battle-priest Tab is capable of mending even the most grievous of wounds. Oddly enough, the lord seems to be on his side, as his prayers of divine intervention are answered at an astonishing rate. Using a splint, a dummy screw, some gauze Tab can return from the brink of defeat with full health. 

"The drawback of this is his offensive capability, of which there is little to speak. His pistol gives him some range, but there are much more potent ranged damage dealers. Still, in an attrition fight, Tab simply exhaust and outlast his opponent."

Terror (Ep. 807 - Terror from the Year 5000; 1958)

Terror from the Year 5000 is what happens with you attempt to barter with the future via weird machines. Always be sure to read the fine print when dealing with the future, because what seems like the purchase of a simple pastrami on rye sandwich can result in a shrieking radioactive monster woman leaping into your study.

"The Terror is a versatile attacker, who uses an interesting combination of radiation based DOT attacks, and alacrity based dodges and flips. She is a slippery spaz of a fighter, moving unpredictably and rapidly, occasionally phasing in and out of the present tense. Traveling through time has made the terror a bit out of synch with temporal reality, and she can teleport around the battlefield quite rapidly.

"She is not a hard hitting opponent, and most of her damage dealing capabilities comes from proximity based radiation burns. These are applied directly by raking the opponent with her fashion-forward future nails, and inflicting the target with rebuffs. A skilled player then dances out of range and plays keep-away while the plot slowly grinds to a halt or the enemy keels over into a cancerous heap."

The Horror (Ep. 817 - The Horror of Party Beach; 1964)

Not far from Fingal’s Quarry there is a keen spot where hip teeners hang out and shake their collective groove thangs to “rock and roll”. This tide pool of hormones, angst, and music is known as “Party Beach” and it was never a safe place.

"Though recently, a BP barge discharged toxic waste, which of course created mutant protozoa with vampiric tendencies. Though foiled by New England physicist Eulabelle, the Horror still roams the coastal town preying on young women like so many Kennedys.

"The Horror is a somewhat slow powerhouse specializing in status ailments and drains. The cnidocyte stinging tendrils can paralyze, burn, and poison opponents. The multiple ovipositors can extend a frightening distance and sap an enemies health, healing the Horror. It can make for a very irritating battle, as the Horror often finishes a fight with more health than it started with.”

Trash (Ep. 705 - Escape 2000; 1981)

Motorcycle thug “Trash” is a resident of the (Italian) Bronx and enemy of the militant General Constriction Corporation Company and evil Gov. Bittle. Trash may be a dedicated idealistic freedom fighter battle imperialism and fascism in a cold world he never made…or he may be a hopeless greasy drifter who’s only goal is scavenging a can of beanie weenies. We may never know; Trash isn’t a talkative fellow.

"What we do know about Trash is, he is fast. Using his souped-down Yamaha affectionately known as "Enzo" he stays mounted during combat. Surprisingly agile even when it comes to turning, the motorcycle allows Trash to close the distance with an opponent at a frightening rate. This is a double edge, however, as nearly all of Trash’s special moves require him to be mounted on the bike. A few well placed kicks can send him flying off it, in which case he will be significantly weaker, and confused.

"When disarmed, Trash can roll a saving throw to call in his comrade in arms: "Strike n’ Son" who can distract opponents with explosives. This is only a temporary solution, as Strike well quickly descent back into the sewers, again leaving Trash to his own devices. If Trash’s THAC0 reaches zero, he can then roll a d20 to summon his other friend "Toblerone" who will mercilessly taunt the opponent with relentless cackling, usually giving Trash the upperhand."


MSTies by FutureDami (Part 9 of 9)

A collection of adorable battle ready characters for a faux fighting game, based on creatures, creeps, and critters from Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Torgo (Ep. 424 - Manos: The Hands of Fate; 1966)

The crafty and nimble Torgo is part of the core lineup of combatants, and in skilled “hands” he is one of the most deadly characters.

"On the surface he seems like an awkward train hobo in Depends. His movement speed is among the lowest and his attack stat is nothing to write home about. Torgo does have some nice range and defense, using his powerful knee-shields and Darkclaw Staff.

"These alone are not great advantages when compared to the awesome powers of the other fighters, and Torgo often falls swiftly to a focused onslaught.

"His true strength, however, lies in his defeat…"

Torgo the White - Ascension

"StRiKe mE DoWn aNd I WiLl bEcOmE MoRe pOwErFul ThAn YoU cAn PoSsIbLy iMaGiNe"

"When Torgo falls in combat, there is a brilliant flash of light, and from his crumpled mass rises:

"Torgo the White!

"This ascended holy Torgo not only has increased speed and power but an astounding combat advantage; He is completely immune to the type of attack which felled him.

"So, if Torgo was killed by a magical attack, you then face an extremely pissed saint which can only be harmed with physical attacks. This can make Torgo nearly impossible to defeat depending on the versatility and adaptability of his opponent."

Troxartas (Ep. 703 - Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell; 1988)

You are probably familiar with the various schools of the arcane such as your white and black magics. You may even be aware of hybrid offshoots such as volatile red magic, mysterious blue magic, or the oh-so-sustainable green magic. 

"However, you have never, EVER run into a pink mage. If you had, it would have been Troxartas, and he would have destroyed you. 

"Troxartas is a powerful spellsword, blending nimble fencing, forbidden magic, and stunning choreography into a nearly unstoppable fighting style. Not only is he able to charge his blade with any elemental effect, he can reanimate the bodies of those he has slain and bottle their souls to power more dark rites."

Wild Rebels (Ep. 207 - Wild Rebels; 1967)

The Satan’s Angels also known as “Wild Rebels” is a biker gang that (poorly) terrorizes southern Florida. The three of them are each too stupid to function on their own, and thus all three of them are referred to as one playable character.

"The erudite denim clad thug known as "Jeter" forms the head of this smelly pyramid. As the brains of the outfit, Jeter is the tactician who strategies consist of soliloquies such as "KILL HIM! HE’S A LOSER BABY!" He has no known use, but players expect him to be patched to include more slang.

"The mountainous "Fats" is the defensive member of the trio. Catching a surf board to the back of the head has dulled his wits a bit, but its not as if anyone could actually tell. Fats performs the blocking and throw maneuvers, and squeals with delight when performing well.

"Leathery "Banjo" is the hot tempered aggressor of the group, quick to stab, choke, and curb stomp anything or anyone that gets within his field of vision. His chain whip can extend a formidable distance, but he can’t take what he dishes out, and must switch out with another member after taking damage.”

Xeno (Ep. 519 - Outlaw; 1989)

High priest Xeno is the obligatory evil conspiratorial adviser that all benevolent kings are provided when they ascend a throne.

"Though he has the posture and accouterments of a magician, no one has ever actually witnessed him spell-casting, will-working, sooth-saying, or even hedge-trimming. Xeno is a truly wise priest-king, using his position and authority to do as little as possible. 

"It is this very immobility that is the source of Xeno’s power. He simply doesn’t -need- to attack an opponent. The priest-kings of Gor are adept at mind manipulation and pain through intimidation. Simple eye contact with him is enough to cause hallucinations, internal bleeding and in rare cases, fatal psoriasis.

"The only way to battle Xeno is to keep your back to him at all times and never look directly at him. As many fallen heroes have found, it is really tough to hit a guy when you are facing the other way."

[Blogger’s note: Phew…that’s done ^.^” hope you enjoy as much as I did]